Thursday, March 19, 2009

My Mother, A.K.A. Sylvia Buchman

I think my Mom is really Jewish and didn't tell me. Oh sure, she tells the stories of my great-grandparents coming on the boat from Sweden and Norway and how they learned English in school and taught their parents at night to help them communicate and find jobs. But I think my Mom was actually adopted from a Jewish family. No, this isn't a religious post or bashing. I am basing this on what has been portrayed on TV and in movies about the quintessential Jewish Mother. I can only base it on the media as I don't know one single Jewish person-isn't that odd? I grew up in a rather large city, but nope, never met a single one. I know I don't write humor like say Vodka Mom and Happy Hour Sue, but sometimes funny things (or my totally screwed up family) happens. One of my favorite shows was 'Mad about You". Even though the Dude and I have NOTHING in common with Jamie and Paul, there were many similarities to how we handled situations and how we would react to things. Paul was Jewish-and had a Jewish mother. Sylvia. Now, you know she loved her kids, but she passed out guilt like a Pez dispenser, and could knock you down with a brilliant flick of her tongue. One of my favorite episodes was when Paul's dad was in the hospital and all the kids came to see him (Paul had two sisters) and the three of them were standing next to each other by the other hospital bed and showing concern, and Mom walks in and starts on them. One by one they fall back onto the hospital bed like she is shooting out balloons in a carnival game. After she takes a shot at each of them and they fall to the bed, they look at each other and say "she didn't even have to stop to reload".

This is a few snippets of conversation with my Mother on Monday.

Hi Mom

Oh, hi. I haven't heard from you in forever. Thought you must have fallen off the planet

Nope, just busy at work and getting some house stuff done before graduation

Oh. I guess that is coming up. What things are you fixing

Just some painting and cleaning and finishing the laundry room

Why the laundry room? No one will see the laundry room, you should work on something people will see.

Well, the laundry room is for me since we have stuff in the den that needs to go back in the laundry room that can't until we finish walls, paint and do the cabinets

Have you talked to you siblings?

No, I emailed Sue about selling the house and how that was going

What did she say? Is it done? When is she moving? I don't think this is a good idea. What if she sells her house, moves in with that man and it doesn't work out? Then what? She'll be out on the street with her cat and her piano.

Well, since they have both been through a divorce and don't want the whole marriage thing, it is their choice. And she can't take the piano since he doesn't have room.

What?! She can't take the piano? Well, I hope he is worth giving up her dream piano

She then proceeds to complain about the people in her complex for the better part of half an hour

So, what is new at your place

Well, Booger is going to prom

She going with the Hastings boy?

No, her and JJ broke up. She is going to our prom with a boy in Hermit Crab's class.

Well, I see she rebounded quick. She better watch out with how many boys she dates. She will get a reputation and then where will she be?

Well, she has only dated two boys and she isn't putting out, so I'm sure her rep is just fine. Plus she is going with Tully as a friend.

Ahhh, I see, using him so she can go to prom

No, she agreed to go with him as a friend so he wouldn't miss his senior prom. He has a crush on her, but she made it clear that she didn't feel the same way and would only go with him if he understood.

He's a guy. He only has one thing on his mind. What about Hermit Crab?

Nope, she is going to the after party. Her BFF is going with the exchange student and she doesn't want to go alone and look like a loser

Well, who would blame her. How sad and pathetic is that, going to your senior prom alone. Hasn't she found another boyfriend yet?

No, Mom, her class is so small and she has known almost all of them since pre-school. It would be weird for her. Plus, she leaves in 5 months and will probably find someone with the same interests as her at college.

Well, let's hope she finds an education. If she spends all that time there, better do something other than find boys.

Off on another tangent about who knows what-I was blogging

The car is making a funny clunking sound. I think the tires are falling off. No one will ride with me. I told you sister about it and she yelled at me that I was crazy again and I told her to just drive the car and she would know I'm not crazy. Mike (the local service shop) said he thought it was a bent axle because apparently the person you bought the car hit something. Didn't the Dude hear the sound? Was the muffler so bad before he changed it that he couldn't hear it? I can't afford an axle or someone to put it in. Your brother said it didn't have axles as it was front wheel drive. I don't think it is front wheel drive. It doesn't drive like any FW drive car I had. He doesn't know cars like Dude

Mom, the tires are new. Nothing is falling off. I will check with the Dude, but when he drove it, it was fine. It was suppose to be able to get you to the doctor, the grocery store and Target. For $800 we got something that ran. The person we got it from owns a service station-he wouldn't let his kids drive it if it wasn't safe.

Well, maybe there were problems he couldn't fix. Maybe he was pawning it off on you. Have you lost any more weight? (Just that quick, she turns on ME)

Well, I don't know. I don't weigh myself ever.

How do you know you lost the 20 pounds then?

When I went to the doctor for my annual touchy-feely exam, they noted that I was 20 pounds lighter than last year.

Oh, well, you looked nice at the party. I was just wondering if you planned on losing some more.

Bing, bing, bing

Oh, Mom, I have to go. The bars are done and I need to get them out and get ready to photograph them.

Still doing that computer thing?

Yep, oh, these look good. I can't wait to cut them for the picture and eat one.

For God's sake, if you just lost 20 pounds, why would you eat a bar?

A few more pleasantries and I signed off-1 hour, 50 minutes and 38 seconds. Yes, I looked at the time on my cell. And I didn't have one cocktail while on the phone with her. Normally I put away a better part of a bottle of wine.

Oh, and just so you know-I had 3 bars! And Jewish Mothers have nothing on Norwegian Grandmothers.


Heather said...

hahahahaha. you crack me up :) my grandma is just like your mom. i think italian grandmas and jewish grandmas are pretty similar. they love a good guilt trip.

Bob said...

Luckily my mom was a farm girl, she doesn't give guilt. She gives orders. My dad on the other hand, he thinks he is a Jewish grandmother. "That's fine, don't worry about me, I'll just sit here. In the dark. Going blind". Heh.

Melissa said...

Your mom makesme want to drink LOL!I loved Mad About You I hadn't thought about it in ages.

Jason said...

This is one of the funniest things I have read, thanks for sharing the story, it made my day!
Hope you keep popping into my blog and checking it out once in a while.

Pam said...

Your mother must be my mother's long lost twin. I can only last 5-6 minutes on the phone with mine (thank God for e-mail), you are a saint to last nearly two hours. Looking forward to seeing the bars that you baked.

Donna-FFW said...

Thankd for the fun read over mymorning cup of coffee. She sounds like my kind of girl!